As I'm now quite open about this cruel illness stealing so much of my time I do get quite a few messages saying help; my daughter struggles or I don't know how to help my friend so I thought I'd start logging down some of the useful things I've passed along in the past. My story is that I stop eating, I shut down completely and the fridge is a basic no fly zone, others over eat but I basically starve myself. These are just blogs about how I remember it, what helped me, the conversations with others over the years about how they coped too.
Please do not take this as medical advice, IF someone is critically ill or at serious risk of self harm then please do call your local emergency services. These comments are purely my thoughts on how folk wanted to help me when I was poorly and how I developed coping strategies to help let them into my world a little. They may help, they may not but they might at least start a conversation going. Or, maybe just send them a link to this blog and allow them to contact me directly if and when they want to.
Body dysmorphia is way more than seeing a pretty dress and going ahh but it looks great on the model cause she's tall and I'm short so it won't hang right on me. It's way more than eek I ate too much cake and my jeans feel a bit tight. It's ingrained so deeply in us that if we somehow catch sight of our image we'll turn to stone in morbid fear of what we will see. That image must never be relayed back to us through mirrors, shop windows, bus stop shelters or parked car windows. Reflective surfaces become like demons to us, like the sun is to a vampire and we can spot and avoid at 100 paces. We wear glasses and hats to shield our eyes from accidentally seeing an image that got through our high shields. It's way more than just feeling fat and almost doing the I feel fat so folk will give us compliments and the no, you look fab just as you are. In fact we won't even discuss it with you, at all, nadda, zip, it doesn't exist - and if it doesn't exist in anyone's consciousness we can remain hidden in plain sight. That suits us just fine thank you very much!
BUT we know it's happening, we are not unaware of it, we are almost powerless to control it. It is a mental health issue, it is NOT a vanity thing. It is not a but I want to look good in a bikini this holiday thing, it is an all consuming daily battle within our own head and the noise is constant. There is no off switch, we know we need to find that off switch but daily survival is the first thing.
So, to help - we don't want to talk to you. You mean well, you love us, we know that. We know you worry and want to help BUT we don't want your pity, we know that look! So, we will deflect and distract, we're masters at it, we can hide food and what we have or haven't eaten so you think you're hidden agenda question will get through our shields?!? Haha love the optimism!
So, we don't want to openly talk to you BUT we do need you, so leave little post it notes around going 'hi, I couldn't finish the bagels today so left it in the fridge, have a good day!' that's non threatening. That's not saying oii I'm watching what you've eaten today, that's a hey you'll be helping me out so you sort of take the pressure off us a little. We also need time to decide what we want to tell you, how much and when. We're aware of what's going on and judge ourselves so harshly we sure don't need anyone else's judgement too!
Also, unless you have walked this path I'm sorry but it's very hard to really know what's going on in their head - this is not something that began last Tuesday, this is something that began a long time ago and has had time to embed and get deep into their soul. In the same way it takes a large ocean liner a long time to turn around this isn't a quick fix and in many ways never truly leaves so don't be in any hurry. Pull up a chair and a good book and just listen out for our odd throwaway comments because they're not, they're us judging your reaction. We can pass it off as a throwaway comment depending on the reaction we get. You can't help judge, you can't help apply your own understanding to this situation and especially if it's a close family member you want to do everything to help. And harsh as this may sound, be aware that sadly somehow you may actually be mixed up in their reasoning or their history so sometimes it's easier to involve a friend with less emotional investment.
Another simple help strategy, just leave cookies lying around - especially if they are broken ones. If we bite into a whole one you know we have, broken pieces are less likely to be noticed so we can just nibble without you necessarily knowing we have.
Will continue to update this as I remember things, but again, this is personal anecdotal evidence and not based in medical expertise so please take it in the way it is intended,
Have fun, Pixie x
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